Why??

Even when I try not to fit the description of a stereotypical female, I can't always resist the instinct. We always want to know why; we bawl out why, if not out-loud definitely in our heads. This poem is an explosion back in 2008 from the overload of "why?"s being held in for too long... this is Why??:

So many times I sit thinking
Asking myself over and over again
Why?
Why did I allow him to get the best of me?
Now because of him, the truth I cannot see,
These streets I walk aimlessly
Thinking of what I could have been.
If he wasn't for so long my everything.
My morning, my noon, and my evening
Were drowned in thoughts of only him.
My dreams darkened by his evil grin
At the time I thought was so enticing.

So many times I sit crying
Tears run away from my brown eyes screaming
Why?
Why do I allow him to get the best of me?
His name I shouldn't utter in my testimony
He's not in school books but he is history
From a distance both miles and years away
His affect rocks my calm spirit like an earthquake
My body shakes and my eyes rotate side to side
Wondering if he found another place to hide
And come from the back like a surprise
To reveal to me his untimely devise

So many times I sit writing
The word that comes to mind a thousand times
Why?
Why did I allow this to happen?
I try to record it on paper and with pen.
Reading back this unreal contraption
Halts the gears in my brain from function
Turning this world into an illusion.
Its realities, to my thoughts, are intrusions
I'd prefer to shorten it like a conjunction
Skip straight to the point and reduce the pollution.
But life's journey needs problems to have solutions.

This time I will stand
To be exact, I will do what I can to understand
Why.
Why I will no longer allow him to get the best of me.
Always comparing to the Jones' lawn
Isn't supposed to wake me up at dawn
But I let it... trying to find out their secret
To make the grass green and how to keep it
But all the variables in between I leave out
Like not taking into consideration the drought
So now I will devote my time to watering my grass
Instead of thinking bout him while sitting on my ass.
No longer I will ask why... but I will Stand

2008
*Poem by Lex*